Thursday, March 29, 2012

Version 0.1


Got the results from the impending tests...Some really bad news. Hubby has VERY low sperm count. An average man is meant to have 15 million per ml, you are considered to have low sperm count if you have 5million per ml, well hubby has 19 thousand per ml. That is 0.1% of a normal person. 0.1 %.....I just cried writing that.

When the doctor told us, I was hysterical. He said to me "Don't get yourself to worked up, these things just happen" I could of punched him. I get that it happens and I don’t blame hubby at all for this. I AM JUST MAD!!!!!!!! It's not fair. 16 yr old girls in one night stands get pregnant, but couples who are yearning so desperately and would be the best parents seem to always have the problems.

I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason, but I hate this reason. WHAT IS THE REASON??????

My results on the other hand came back normal. I have normal hormone levels, ovaries are fine, everything is a-ok. All this time I thought it was me, I thought I wasn’t ovulating, I thought my uterus wasn’t at optimal temperature etc etc, so to hear that I was all good was a relief. Hubby was pretty sure that he were both fine before we got the results even saying to me "the results are going to come back all good, stop stressing". I knew there was something wrong, there had to be, it was just a matter of who. Hubby said to me in bed last night that he thought if anything were to be the problem it would be me, cos heaven forbid for a man to have anything wrong with him.

The doctor said we are going to have to do IVF. I cried even more when he said that. Remember me, the big baby when it comes to needles? Yeah lets jab me with a bazillion needles for 4 weeks to make me produce more eggs. WHY DOES THE WOMAN HAVE TO SUFFER??? I am perfectly healthy, why do I need the needles?????? why can’t the man be jabbed!!!! It's completely unfair!!

We are seeing our naturopath on Monday. I know she is going to put hubby on some crazy health and exercise regime and give him lots of herbal medicine, which is great, but I am worried he won’t do it. He hates that kind of stuff. Which makes me think that IVF is more or less the only option.

This morning I woke up calm about the idea of IVF, I know I am going to hate it, the needles, the crazy emotions, but I am strong, I can do this, I WANT THIS. I know hubby wants this to, but it’s a different kind of want. Yearning to be a mother and to grow your child inside of you is nothing a husband can really understand until he has his first child, I believe. The thing that actually scares me about IVF the most, is multiples. I DONT WANT TWINS OR TRIPLETS! How bad does that sound, I really want to be a mother, but I just don’t want multiples, I think it would be really stressful. I also don’t want multiples, because if I did, that would be IT. Hubby would say "We've got 2 now were done" and I want to be pregnant at least twice. I want to experience that baby stage a couple of times, not just once. I hope that doesn’t sound to terrible.

Argh, I am beginning to ramble now. I feel that today I have the right to eat whatever I want, so I am going to!

Please think of us in your prayers and thoughts in the coming weeks. Hubby is doing ok, but I think he feels bad, I keep assuring him I love him and that I am in no way mad at him. This is going to be a big journey for us and I won’t let it break us!

p.s did some research into how much IVF costs, doctor said we would be looking at 8-10 thousand, found out that Medicare gives you a rebate, so only is around 2.5 thousand. I can cope with that.

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