Surreal

It's a very odd feeling sitting in a waiting room full of couples waiting to see their doctors about various IVF appointments. It is silent, deathly silent....then you can randomly hear an overly hormonal woman start crying. We all know why we are here, we catch glimps of each other from the corner of our eyes, wondering what each other is thinking. 

Hubby goes off for his test, 5 mins later and $400 poorer and we leave.

I have to act overly nice and encouraging to make him feel important and valued. He said he felt violated, I chuckle. Lucky he has never had to have a pap smear, he would be in tears! That's why God made women the child bearing women that we are, because we can handle it. With a few drugs on the side of course! lol

Now we wait. IVF is one big waiting game.

The road to IVF

Yesterday hubby and I had our specialist appointment with Dr Gregory Fox. He has been in the industry for a very long time and specialises in male infertility.

I managed to get an appointment with him quite early, as there was a cancellation, but it was a 2pm, so had to dash off from work.

I was a bit flustered, rushing on the roads to get there on time, but I made it. I met hubby there, he was half falling asleep having worked a very long day before on Melbourne Cup day. I gave us both a quick pep talk before we went in and off we went.

Dr Fox confirmed everything that we already knew. That hubby has verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy low sperm count. He booked hubby in for a another sperm test next Tuesday, just to re-confirm the results, but said he knows with certainty that they wont have improved. Because of this from here on out every sperm test has to be frozen so that we can keep the sperm that he has left. Dr Fox predicts that in 5 years he wont have any left.

IUI is out of the question. Which I knew deep down, was just being overly hopeful. So IVF it is.

Dr Fox said that he believes we have a high chance of getting pregnant, because we are so young! YAY!

So for the next couple of weeks we will be having blood tests, utltra sounds and seeing IVF counsellors in preparation for our journey into IVF land. We will have to do ICIS, which is where they inject a single sperm into the egg in a petri dish. This is because of the low sperm count that this will have to be done, which adds $1000 to the figure!

The actual cost of doing the first round of IVF is not to bad $3500 out of pocket. Its the medication ($450), day bed in hospital ($800), anithist ($250), day bed again ($350), every single time you do a round of IVF that adds up. For our first month, we're looking at $5500 after our medicare rebate.

Its a lot cheaper than america, but its still a lot of money! Factor in every appointment with Dr Fox is $140.

So here is what I am hoping. That our first round of IVF produces heaps of eggs and we're left with atleast 5 GREAT embryos that can be used. Hope the first one takes, then we will freeze the other 4 and use them when we want more children. A girl can hope, right?

The big come back!

Where do I begin?

I have been thinking about writing my blog posts again for the last two months, but again struggled with what it was that I wanted to say. 

Let’s start at my last blog post. I was very content with my decision, to let things be, go with the flow, but with more and more of my friends getting pregnant around me it became a daily reminder of what I don’t have. I'm honestly so happy for my friends who are expecting children, but there is a part of me that says "come on God, share the babies around".

Life is busy, and this year has flown by far too quick. I'm a housewife and work full time, whilst also running a busy business with my husband. I was getting very weighed down by the things I needed to do. Then chuck in the mix the fact your still not pregnant = a very stressed marriage.

Marriage isn’t for the faint hearted, and this is why so many people get divorced. When things get too hard people give up, people around you encourage you to give up. They tell you there on YOUR side. GAH! Since when were there sides?? I don’t want there to be two sides in my marriage, I want just one, US! One thing is for sure though, I'm not a quitter! I will always fight for us, that is what I vowed on our wedding day. 

This only makes us stronger, we learn from our mistakes. We hold each other closer and tighter, letting go of our fears and mistrust and keep walking forward. After all, you need to have a strong marriage to raise children. Everyone in the family benefits from it. I can happily say that I love my husband so much more than I did when I married him, and that love only keeps growing, as I know it will always do.
Its been six months since we were last tested and in 2 weeks we will get tested again and see what has happened. More so for hubby. If the count has increased to at least 1 million, then we will do IUI, if it remains the same we will be doing IVF. We're unsure what kind of time frame that will be though. IUI will probably be straight away, as its low cost, IVF may have to wait a year or so. One thing is certain though, is that I have to be working for at least another 2 years, so if we get pregnant in that time, I'll have to go back to work full time! Hubby has told me that he will be comfortable to stay at home and look after baby, which I think he will do very well with!

Also, we finally agreed on a girl name!!! I am a very organised person and like to have things planned, so this is huge relief for me, sad I know! It's not something that I would have ever chosen, but have fallen in love with it! 

So that’s us, still riding this magical ride of life, strapped in tight and never giving up! We're off to Port Douglas in 3 days for a well deserved romantic holiday to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary, how time fly’s!

Promise not to keep it so long in-between blogs next time ;)

xx

Press pause.

I’ve been going through the motions of writing a blog entry and then not posting it...

I just haven’t been able to convey in words what it is I am feeling.

The last couple of weeks have been really hard. We have been adjusting to our new lifestyle, but without an exact meal plan I am struggling to keep motivated. I have been going through the whole ‘woe is me’ ‘this isn’t fair’ etc etc.

I have been in Sydney on business for the past week and hubby has been on a fishing trip. It’s been a good to clear my mind and sort out my feelings.

In my previous blog, I talked about being in love with your partner and not letting your children consume you life/love. I wrote in this blog that I would rather have my husband than to have kids. I have been able to reflect upon this and work out what saying that REALLY means to me.

Children are a gift, a blessing from God, those who have them are extremely lucky. But if I am to get out the slump I am in, I really need to change my thought patterns.

I am married to my best friend and if I ever have children that will be a bonus, but I have to just be happy with what I have.

I am a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason...maybe one day I will be a mother, but it really shouldn’t be THIS hard, THIS stressful. So I am just going to go with the flow, I want to become a better wife and want to work on myself a bit more. Maybe then I might have a child, as maybe then i meant to have them, when I truly am ready!

What a turn of events. This last couple of months has been CRAZY!! When I look back on my first couple of blogs I WAS SO MAD!! Not at anyone in particular, just at the situation. But the situation was consuming me, haunting my every thought....who wants to live that way? Not me!

So here’s to crazy sex and not worrying what time of the month it is!

Love, love, love.

After giving ourselves 6 months to get healthy before testing again, I’ve decided to use these months to think about how I want to be as a parent.

I sometimes fret that I won’t be a good parent... That maybe I’ll be really impatient and shout a lot. I grew up in a house hold where I don’t doubt that my parents loved me, they just didn’t know how to show it in the best kind of way, they never seemed to be united, which has proven to be a struggle for me in my own marriage.

The thing I have tried really hard to be is self aware. If I can see myself slipping I more often than not pull myself up on it and apologise for anything that I may have done.

After looking back and documenting some of the struggles I faced when growing up, to me one of the most important things for a child is the love that their parents show one another. I am madly in love with my husband, sure there have been times where I could kill him, but he is my number one. He will always be my number one. I would rather spend my life with him with no children, then to not have him at all.

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs, most of them about mothers...A recurring theme is how madly in love with their children they are. Most admitting that they love their children so much more than their husbands.

I have a real issue with this. I don’t think it is healthy at all. Yes I may not be a parent yet, but when around my friends children I have love towards them, but it isn’t an all consuming love.

This blog entry by mamamia http://www.mamamia.com.au/relationships/keith-urban-the-order-of-my-love-is-my-wife-and-then-my-daughters/ pretty much sums up what I am talking about, but I AGREE with Keith and Ayelet, not Mia!

A friend of mine recently showed me a diagram to help me focus on who I should be giving my time to, and help me understand why others may not give me the time I think I deserve.

The first circle is me and God= My all consuming love.

The second circle is me and hubby= My madly in love with, love.

The third circle is my siblings= my adoring love

The forth circle is my parents and close friends= Love

You get the picture.

When I have children they will become my third circle and the other circles will be pushed out. I will LOVE my children, but I won’t be in love with them, that is for my husband.

I really thought about this and thought to myself, will my children suffer because I am not HEAD OVER HEALS IN LOVE WITH THEM? Not at all. They will see the love that I have for their father and they will understand, they will strive to one day have that same love. I am trying to build a solid foundation for my family. One that is a strong force to be reckoned with. So that when trouble comes knocking, which it no doubt will, we will be able to deal with it the best way possible. Please dont get me wrong, I will love my children a heck of a lot and I understand that the way you love your children is different from your spouse, but I dont think it should be all consuming.

Another blog, that sums this up a little more eloquently then myself http://livinglovinglaughingtogether.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/flowers-for-his-bride-he-said.html

 

Friends, I am interested to know how you share the love around in your family.

Pump up the sperm!

So we went and saw our naturopath last night who is also a dietician, first and for mostly. We also went and saw the Doctor about the Intravenous vitamin injections. Intravenous vitamins will multiple your sperm count by 50%, so currently at 19,000 that would bring it up to 30,000. Not worth it for us.

So after talking to our dietician and Doctor we have decided to go ahead with this lifestyle overhaul.

Key factors being: Clean eating, Exercise, No stress.

I am a dramatic person, but not really a stress head. I may stress about something for 5mins, but then think about it and it’s not really that BIG a deal. Whereas hubby stresses about EVERYTHING to do with his business, so we need to reduce that, because stress is the biggest cause in low sperm count.

Another big thing is that he isn’t allowed to be in the car for more than 2hrs, sitting down and overheating his balls is making his count very low.

So hubby has to do the following things:

- Take an Epson bath before bed every night to relax him

- Spend more time outside getting Vitamin D

- Take a natural sleeping tablet to help him sleep through the night, so that his body has time to restore, especially the liver!

- Drink a highly concentrated natural herbal tea

- NO PANADOL (currently has at least 8 a day, gets bad headaches)

- No tight jocks, only boxers!

- Exercise

- Go fishing more

- Go on holidays

- RELAX RELAX RELAX

Living the dream apparently. Whilst I keep working, because everything is fine with me! Haha

Our dietician is really good with the whole “lifestyle change”. The end result is us being on a low carb high protein eating plan, with hardly anything coming in packaging! Currently we have chosen 3 different recipes for each meal of the day. So 9 recipes all together that we have to incorporate into our diet. We can eat whatever else we want to eat, as long as we eat those 9 different meals in a week. There are no portion sizes on these meals. One meal is chicken and salad. Hubby is allowed a half a chicken if he wants. So he is wrapped!! She is trying to teach us about good food, without overwhelming us, she is pretty amazing.

So we’re doing this for hopefully the rest of our lives, but at the moment have a 6 month goal. Come the 15^th of October we will do another Semen analysis and see what has happened. I am hoping for 5million per ml and above!! Waiting 6 months to do the test is going to kill me but at $130 it’s not the cheapest test to do.

After 6 months is up we will assess the situation, hoping everything will be grand and we may have already gotten pregnant by then, but if it hasn’t changed by much we will look at IVF again, until then though, I don’t want to think about it, completely different view from my last blog I know, but IVF was really freaking me out! I feel good about this option :)

But but but..

So it’s been 2 weeks now since we were told about Hubby’s VERY low sperm count, the tears are gone and we’re dealing with it.

In typical fashion, I have been researching everyday!

I’ve joined an IVF forum. Unless you have experienced IVF or are going to, you have no idea what it feels like. There is so much information it’s overwhelming.
Most couples who are suffering from low sperm count are complaining of their partners only having 1Million per ml, the worst I have seen is 100 thousand per ml and she has been on IVF for 10 years with several miscarriages, but all these women also have something wrong with productive system too...seeing as I'm fine, I should be a good store house for my baby!

Let’s just remember that my hubby has 19thousand. 0.1%. It’s hard not to focus on that. I’ve had a lot of friends say to me to trust God for the miracle, and I will get my miracle baby... I have no doubt that I will get a baby one way or another, but at the same time I am not going to sit around for 10yrs to hope that a natural miracle will occur. The fact of IVF working is a miracle in itself, so that is the miracle I will be hoping on, and hope God delivers on that.

You can’t be naive about IVF, you literally can’t afford to.

Let me break it down for you.

You have a 25% chance each IVF cycle that you will get pregnant, they say it usually happens at the third cycle or after if you are lucky.

This is how most people’s stories read:

Egg collection: $2500 Fresh embryo implanted. 1st cycle BFN (big fat negative)
Frozen embryo $1200 BFN 2nd cycle BFN
Frozen embryo $1200 BFP (big fat positive) chemical pregnancy miscarriage at 4 weeks.
Egg Collection: $2500 Fresh embryo BFN....

You get the picture.

So we do the first round of IVF, we can afford that. We can probably afford the next two frozen embryo transfers....but where do we draw the line. A lot of couples have personal loans for their IVF procedures, spending upwards of $25,000.

Hubby has been getting a little snappy with me, saying that I need to stop talking about it. Last night I sat him down and said that we NEED to talk about this, we need to work out a course of action. He finally got it, he finally understood, we had a great chat about our options and what we want to do.

Hubby to begin with was completely against adoption, but last night suggested that maybe we look at that option. Researched it today and it is such a tricky thing to do. SO many hoops to go through, with the end cost being about $20,000.

So then it brings me back to IVF again as the preferred choice.

I’ve got a pros and cons list going.

Pros - Baby is our own
- I get to carry my child and birth it.

Cons
- a month of invasive needles
- Crazy drugs that make your hormones go wack
- Weight gain of up to 15kg (AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE, NOT :/)
- Un-able to exercise whilst on you cycle
- Constant blood tests
- Constant semen analysis
- Constant hospital visits
- Costs $$$

And yet the pros still outweigh the cons.

TO ALL THE MOTHERS OUT THERE THAT CONCIEVE NATURALLY....YOU ARE BLESSED!!!! I don’t think some women fully appreciate how lucky they are to be able to get pregnant just by looking at their partner.


BUT.... there is always a but...

We went and visited our naturopath last week. She wants hubby and I to go on a meal plan she is setting up for us. Low carb, high protein lifestyle change. Not allowed to call it a diet! Lol
She is SO lovely to us and really wants the best for us which is re-assuring. She recommends that hubby get Intravenous Vitamin injections. They are jam packed with vitamin B, vitamin C and Glutathione. You get hooked up to a drip for an hour once a week for 8 weeks. Each visit is $300, so $2400 for the whole treatment plan. Apparently this is meant to have a radical improvement on sperm count.

Oh I should tell you a couple of things:
1) our naturopath says that low sperm count is because of life style and can be completely reversed...not sure if I completely agree with her, because why wouldn’t everyone do this then?
2) Hubby has very poor liver function at the moment, liver creates cholesterol, which creates hormones, which creates sperm. Bad liver means bad sperm (apparently)
3) The biggest problem that hubby and I have with this vitamin injections is that WE WANT PROOF! Show me the proof that his sperm count can go from 19thousand to 15 million.......You have to have 3ml of sperm when trying to conceive, each ml has to contain at least 15million sperm, a grand total of 45million. I am very sceptical that these injections can get the count up that high. Even if it got it up to 500thousand per ml, its just not enough, not worth the money. IVF is invasive, but I think better odds.

So this where we are at. Getting on a new life style to become healthier so that our sperm and eggs are the healthiest they can possibly be and deciding on what step to do next...hubby really doesn’t want me to do IVF... seem to be a dog chasing my tail at the moment...