Needle point emotions

My arm hurts. 5 vile’s (sp?) of blood later and hopefully the next blood test I have will be to confirm pregnancy!

I am becoming quiet use to forking out money every time I enter the IVF clinic. I don’t even blink an eye when they ask for my card anymore.

Next week we have our accounts meeting, where they discuss all payments needed. Straight after we have our nurses appointment where we learn how to self inject and get to even practice... YAY :/ not looking forward to that. But hey, I guess that it is good I have a fat stomach, more skin for me to grab onto and jab into! GRAB AND JAB PEOPLE! Grab and jab!

I’m beginning to see the side effects of IVF now. As everything comes to a head, my emotions are at an all time high. I am thankful that there is a counselling service I can use, to talk to someone who knows exactly how I am feeling. I’ve been relatively calm when it comes to IVF (besides the needles). I’ve researched all I can. But to now come to terms that it may not work, has me quite teary. There is a 25 % success rate, which is the same success rate to those who conceive naturally, so you can’t ask for better odds. But your body goes through such an ordeal and to have to do that multiple times scares me.

Many of my friends can vouch for different parts of my personality. Some will say I am negative, positive, optimistic or a pessimist. But the one thing I have always been about this journey of pregnancy is a realist and that is what really scares me. It’s rare that people get pregnant on their first cycle, so I’ve told myself that. Should I be telling myself that it will work the first time? Should I be the optimist?? Because what happens if it fails, then I will become negative towards it all as I had my hopes built up? These are very trying times. And no-one who has children can understand- sorry but it’s the truth!

 I just have to stick to my gut instinct, who knows what kind of state I will be in after I’ve had all that medication!

I’ll let you know how the grab and jab appointment goes!

Getting Schooled!

Last night we had an appointment with our fertility specialist.

I now have to get some more blood tests and an ultrasound. I’ve never had an ultrasound before, so I am kinda excited! I am hopeful the next couple of ultrasounds will show a baby!!!

A BABY!

It’s all starting to happen now. I am nervous and excited. We should start in January with our first cycle...that is after the police checks, the counselling, the lessons on how to inject yourself...EKK! Add to that the silly season of Christmas and working full time..makes me dizzy thinking about it... BUT IT WILL BE SO WORTH IT!

There are a lot more readers to my blog than I once thought. I continually have people messaging me or coming up to me saying that they enjoy reading my journey. So thank you! I’ve had 500 views of my blog, which is very thrilling.

Hubby last night went into a bit of tail spin. Reality starts setting in when you have all these appointments book... He started freaking out about money and that he isn’t ready etc poor love. After a calm talk he came back to what he is knows is true and that is we are SO ready for this. He will be the perfect father, and whilst juggling your own business and parenthood will be a struggle I know he will work it out. My favourite thing he said “What happens if I need to run an errand and I have THE baby with me???” me “Babe, just put it in the car with you LOL”

The thing about trying to conceive for so long, 2 yrs now, is that you have all his TIME! Time to think, time to plan, time to stress, time to cry. Lately I have been thinking about schooling. Yes I know it’s early days, but some schools you have to enrol your child as soon as it is born, so I want to get on top of things. 80% of my friends have children, so it’s been great for me to learn from them and what I think will work for me as a parent. At the moment I am obsessed with Steiner School’s. I love the thought of learning through play in a more hands on learning environment. I hated school, so did my husband. We didn’t fit in to the secular mould. We’re both creative people, and learn best from getting involved rather than reading off a blackboard. My parents were the same. So hey, I’m pretty sure that my children will be very similar. I love the concept of Christian schools, but struggle with the thought of being surrounded by Christians 24/7, because how will that help anyone?? I need to be able to show the love of Christ to those unsaved and I can’t do that if I only surround myself and my children with Christians. There are some questionable things about Steiner Schools, but there are also questionable things about secular schools....So I guess when the time comes and I can grasp my child’s personality I will find a school that fits well for them and their needs.

It’s funny really, that 20 years ago when my mum was getting ready to send me to school it came down to which was the closest to our house. Which I am sure was true for most mothers in that generation. I feel that Gen Y, my generation, is a lot more aware. Constantly trying to break the mould that the generations before laid down. Hey, I’m not saying that our parents didn’t do a good job, I just don’t think they were as informed. There are many things from my childhood that I have had to deal with that haven’t been pleasant, so I just want to ensure the best for my children with what I can learn. Showing them unconditional love, just as God shows me. I know for some, I come under the title of “wishful parenting before children” category... and that may be true, but is something I am very passionate about being a great parent and making wise choices for my children, I can only pray that I continue this frame of mind when I do become a mother... Makes me teary thinking about it... what a joy it will be to finally have my own child to love. If I feel this strongly about this love and I haven’t even had a child yet, imagine what kind of love God has for us. MIND = BLOWN!

Life's calling.

I’m sick of calling my husband “hubby” on my blog. But I don’t want to use his name either, as he doesn’t want me to. Name suggestions please...thinking Mr.M?

Anywhooooo.

Got our results back....hubby’s count has gone up to 200 thousand. Good that there has been an increase, but still nowhere near enough to get pregnant. Dr Fox is a nice doctor, he wants to create a family for us, but he is also a realist and I appreciate that. There is no need to sugar coat the truth. Even though his count has gone up, Dr Fox said it is still “very very very EXTREMELY low” and suggested that we keep freezing sperm. Yeah no worries...at $400 a pop ill get right onto that :/ that is only for a year as well, have to pay $270 for every following year, per sample! AWESOME!

Most of my readers know me, and would agree that I am quite a nutter! I regularly have little chats in my head about what kind of speeches I would make at different occasions. Totally normal, yeah? My latest speech has been one that I want to say to everyone who likes to tell me what I should do as a career. I’m a very creative person, jack of all trades. I can bake, sew, craft, cook, talk, style, organise, prepare. 

Careers that have been thrown around by myself and others include: Wedding planner, events manager, invitation maker, florist, makeup artist, hairdresser, personal assistant, comedian (by my sister, she finds me hilarious!), gift wrapper, nanny, chef, caterer, baker, etc the list goes on.

 I have dabbled in almost all of these areas, but nothing really clicked. For the last 6 months I wondered why? Any of these things I could make a career out of (maybe besides the comedian, Ha!) so what gives. You know what I realised, all these things make for a great MOTHER! The one thing I have always felt I was meant to be. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I am going to be a kick arse mum! Can you imagine the parties I would through, the hair styles I could do, the gifts I could wrap, the meals I could cook, the play dates I could plan. I’ve been given many talents that I now truly believe are there to make me a great mum.

BRING IT ON!

xx

Surreal

It's a very odd feeling sitting in a waiting room full of couples waiting to see their doctors about various IVF appointments. It is silent, deathly silent....then you can randomly hear an overly hormonal woman start crying. We all know why we are here, we catch glimps of each other from the corner of our eyes, wondering what each other is thinking. 

Hubby goes off for his test, 5 mins later and $400 poorer and we leave.

I have to act overly nice and encouraging to make him feel important and valued. He said he felt violated, I chuckle. Lucky he has never had to have a pap smear, he would be in tears! That's why God made women the child bearing women that we are, because we can handle it. With a few drugs on the side of course! lol

Now we wait. IVF is one big waiting game.

The road to IVF

Yesterday hubby and I had our specialist appointment with Dr Gregory Fox. He has been in the industry for a very long time and specialises in male infertility.

I managed to get an appointment with him quite early, as there was a cancellation, but it was a 2pm, so had to dash off from work.

I was a bit flustered, rushing on the roads to get there on time, but I made it. I met hubby there, he was half falling asleep having worked a very long day before on Melbourne Cup day. I gave us both a quick pep talk before we went in and off we went.

Dr Fox confirmed everything that we already knew. That hubby has verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy low sperm count. He booked hubby in for a another sperm test next Tuesday, just to re-confirm the results, but said he knows with certainty that they wont have improved. Because of this from here on out every sperm test has to be frozen so that we can keep the sperm that he has left. Dr Fox predicts that in 5 years he wont have any left.

IUI is out of the question. Which I knew deep down, was just being overly hopeful. So IVF it is.

Dr Fox said that he believes we have a high chance of getting pregnant, because we are so young! YAY!

So for the next couple of weeks we will be having blood tests, utltra sounds and seeing IVF counsellors in preparation for our journey into IVF land. We will have to do ICIS, which is where they inject a single sperm into the egg in a petri dish. This is because of the low sperm count that this will have to be done, which adds $1000 to the figure!

The actual cost of doing the first round of IVF is not to bad $3500 out of pocket. Its the medication ($450), day bed in hospital ($800), anithist ($250), day bed again ($350), every single time you do a round of IVF that adds up. For our first month, we're looking at $5500 after our medicare rebate.

Its a lot cheaper than america, but its still a lot of money! Factor in every appointment with Dr Fox is $140.

So here is what I am hoping. That our first round of IVF produces heaps of eggs and we're left with atleast 5 GREAT embryos that can be used. Hope the first one takes, then we will freeze the other 4 and use them when we want more children. A girl can hope, right?

The big come back!

Where do I begin?

I have been thinking about writing my blog posts again for the last two months, but again struggled with what it was that I wanted to say. 

Let’s start at my last blog post. I was very content with my decision, to let things be, go with the flow, but with more and more of my friends getting pregnant around me it became a daily reminder of what I don’t have. I'm honestly so happy for my friends who are expecting children, but there is a part of me that says "come on God, share the babies around".

Life is busy, and this year has flown by far too quick. I'm a housewife and work full time, whilst also running a busy business with my husband. I was getting very weighed down by the things I needed to do. Then chuck in the mix the fact your still not pregnant = a very stressed marriage.

Marriage isn’t for the faint hearted, and this is why so many people get divorced. When things get too hard people give up, people around you encourage you to give up. They tell you there on YOUR side. GAH! Since when were there sides?? I don’t want there to be two sides in my marriage, I want just one, US! One thing is for sure though, I'm not a quitter! I will always fight for us, that is what I vowed on our wedding day. 

This only makes us stronger, we learn from our mistakes. We hold each other closer and tighter, letting go of our fears and mistrust and keep walking forward. After all, you need to have a strong marriage to raise children. Everyone in the family benefits from it. I can happily say that I love my husband so much more than I did when I married him, and that love only keeps growing, as I know it will always do.
Its been six months since we were last tested and in 2 weeks we will get tested again and see what has happened. More so for hubby. If the count has increased to at least 1 million, then we will do IUI, if it remains the same we will be doing IVF. We're unsure what kind of time frame that will be though. IUI will probably be straight away, as its low cost, IVF may have to wait a year or so. One thing is certain though, is that I have to be working for at least another 2 years, so if we get pregnant in that time, I'll have to go back to work full time! Hubby has told me that he will be comfortable to stay at home and look after baby, which I think he will do very well with!

Also, we finally agreed on a girl name!!! I am a very organised person and like to have things planned, so this is huge relief for me, sad I know! It's not something that I would have ever chosen, but have fallen in love with it! 

So that’s us, still riding this magical ride of life, strapped in tight and never giving up! We're off to Port Douglas in 3 days for a well deserved romantic holiday to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary, how time fly’s!

Promise not to keep it so long in-between blogs next time ;)

xx

Press pause.

I’ve been going through the motions of writing a blog entry and then not posting it...

I just haven’t been able to convey in words what it is I am feeling.

The last couple of weeks have been really hard. We have been adjusting to our new lifestyle, but without an exact meal plan I am struggling to keep motivated. I have been going through the whole ‘woe is me’ ‘this isn’t fair’ etc etc.

I have been in Sydney on business for the past week and hubby has been on a fishing trip. It’s been a good to clear my mind and sort out my feelings.

In my previous blog, I talked about being in love with your partner and not letting your children consume you life/love. I wrote in this blog that I would rather have my husband than to have kids. I have been able to reflect upon this and work out what saying that REALLY means to me.

Children are a gift, a blessing from God, those who have them are extremely lucky. But if I am to get out the slump I am in, I really need to change my thought patterns.

I am married to my best friend and if I ever have children that will be a bonus, but I have to just be happy with what I have.

I am a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason...maybe one day I will be a mother, but it really shouldn’t be THIS hard, THIS stressful. So I am just going to go with the flow, I want to become a better wife and want to work on myself a bit more. Maybe then I might have a child, as maybe then i meant to have them, when I truly am ready!

What a turn of events. This last couple of months has been CRAZY!! When I look back on my first couple of blogs I WAS SO MAD!! Not at anyone in particular, just at the situation. But the situation was consuming me, haunting my every thought....who wants to live that way? Not me!

So here’s to crazy sex and not worrying what time of the month it is!