Press pause.

I’ve been going through the motions of writing a blog entry and then not posting it...

I just haven’t been able to convey in words what it is I am feeling.

The last couple of weeks have been really hard. We have been adjusting to our new lifestyle, but without an exact meal plan I am struggling to keep motivated. I have been going through the whole ‘woe is me’ ‘this isn’t fair’ etc etc.

I have been in Sydney on business for the past week and hubby has been on a fishing trip. It’s been a good to clear my mind and sort out my feelings.

In my previous blog, I talked about being in love with your partner and not letting your children consume you life/love. I wrote in this blog that I would rather have my husband than to have kids. I have been able to reflect upon this and work out what saying that REALLY means to me.

Children are a gift, a blessing from God, those who have them are extremely lucky. But if I am to get out the slump I am in, I really need to change my thought patterns.

I am married to my best friend and if I ever have children that will be a bonus, but I have to just be happy with what I have.

I am a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason...maybe one day I will be a mother, but it really shouldn’t be THIS hard, THIS stressful. So I am just going to go with the flow, I want to become a better wife and want to work on myself a bit more. Maybe then I might have a child, as maybe then i meant to have them, when I truly am ready!

What a turn of events. This last couple of months has been CRAZY!! When I look back on my first couple of blogs I WAS SO MAD!! Not at anyone in particular, just at the situation. But the situation was consuming me, haunting my every thought....who wants to live that way? Not me!

So here’s to crazy sex and not worrying what time of the month it is!

Love, love, love.

After giving ourselves 6 months to get healthy before testing again, I’ve decided to use these months to think about how I want to be as a parent.

I sometimes fret that I won’t be a good parent... That maybe I’ll be really impatient and shout a lot. I grew up in a house hold where I don’t doubt that my parents loved me, they just didn’t know how to show it in the best kind of way, they never seemed to be united, which has proven to be a struggle for me in my own marriage.

The thing I have tried really hard to be is self aware. If I can see myself slipping I more often than not pull myself up on it and apologise for anything that I may have done.

After looking back and documenting some of the struggles I faced when growing up, to me one of the most important things for a child is the love that their parents show one another. I am madly in love with my husband, sure there have been times where I could kill him, but he is my number one. He will always be my number one. I would rather spend my life with him with no children, then to not have him at all.

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs, most of them about mothers...A recurring theme is how madly in love with their children they are. Most admitting that they love their children so much more than their husbands.

I have a real issue with this. I don’t think it is healthy at all. Yes I may not be a parent yet, but when around my friends children I have love towards them, but it isn’t an all consuming love.

This blog entry by mamamia http://www.mamamia.com.au/relationships/keith-urban-the-order-of-my-love-is-my-wife-and-then-my-daughters/ pretty much sums up what I am talking about, but I AGREE with Keith and Ayelet, not Mia!

A friend of mine recently showed me a diagram to help me focus on who I should be giving my time to, and help me understand why others may not give me the time I think I deserve.

The first circle is me and God= My all consuming love.

The second circle is me and hubby= My madly in love with, love.

The third circle is my siblings= my adoring love

The forth circle is my parents and close friends= Love

You get the picture.

When I have children they will become my third circle and the other circles will be pushed out. I will LOVE my children, but I won’t be in love with them, that is for my husband.

I really thought about this and thought to myself, will my children suffer because I am not HEAD OVER HEALS IN LOVE WITH THEM? Not at all. They will see the love that I have for their father and they will understand, they will strive to one day have that same love. I am trying to build a solid foundation for my family. One that is a strong force to be reckoned with. So that when trouble comes knocking, which it no doubt will, we will be able to deal with it the best way possible. Please dont get me wrong, I will love my children a heck of a lot and I understand that the way you love your children is different from your spouse, but I dont think it should be all consuming.

Another blog, that sums this up a little more eloquently then myself http://livinglovinglaughingtogether.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/flowers-for-his-bride-he-said.html

 

Friends, I am interested to know how you share the love around in your family.

Pump up the sperm!

So we went and saw our naturopath last night who is also a dietician, first and for mostly. We also went and saw the Doctor about the Intravenous vitamin injections. Intravenous vitamins will multiple your sperm count by 50%, so currently at 19,000 that would bring it up to 30,000. Not worth it for us.

So after talking to our dietician and Doctor we have decided to go ahead with this lifestyle overhaul.

Key factors being: Clean eating, Exercise, No stress.

I am a dramatic person, but not really a stress head. I may stress about something for 5mins, but then think about it and it’s not really that BIG a deal. Whereas hubby stresses about EVERYTHING to do with his business, so we need to reduce that, because stress is the biggest cause in low sperm count.

Another big thing is that he isn’t allowed to be in the car for more than 2hrs, sitting down and overheating his balls is making his count very low.

So hubby has to do the following things:

- Take an Epson bath before bed every night to relax him

- Spend more time outside getting Vitamin D

- Take a natural sleeping tablet to help him sleep through the night, so that his body has time to restore, especially the liver!

- Drink a highly concentrated natural herbal tea

- NO PANADOL (currently has at least 8 a day, gets bad headaches)

- No tight jocks, only boxers!

- Exercise

- Go fishing more

- Go on holidays

- RELAX RELAX RELAX

Living the dream apparently. Whilst I keep working, because everything is fine with me! Haha

Our dietician is really good with the whole “lifestyle change”. The end result is us being on a low carb high protein eating plan, with hardly anything coming in packaging! Currently we have chosen 3 different recipes for each meal of the day. So 9 recipes all together that we have to incorporate into our diet. We can eat whatever else we want to eat, as long as we eat those 9 different meals in a week. There are no portion sizes on these meals. One meal is chicken and salad. Hubby is allowed a half a chicken if he wants. So he is wrapped!! She is trying to teach us about good food, without overwhelming us, she is pretty amazing.

So we’re doing this for hopefully the rest of our lives, but at the moment have a 6 month goal. Come the 15^th of October we will do another Semen analysis and see what has happened. I am hoping for 5million per ml and above!! Waiting 6 months to do the test is going to kill me but at $130 it’s not the cheapest test to do.

After 6 months is up we will assess the situation, hoping everything will be grand and we may have already gotten pregnant by then, but if it hasn’t changed by much we will look at IVF again, until then though, I don’t want to think about it, completely different view from my last blog I know, but IVF was really freaking me out! I feel good about this option :)

But but but..

So it’s been 2 weeks now since we were told about Hubby’s VERY low sperm count, the tears are gone and we’re dealing with it.

In typical fashion, I have been researching everyday!

I’ve joined an IVF forum. Unless you have experienced IVF or are going to, you have no idea what it feels like. There is so much information it’s overwhelming.
Most couples who are suffering from low sperm count are complaining of their partners only having 1Million per ml, the worst I have seen is 100 thousand per ml and she has been on IVF for 10 years with several miscarriages, but all these women also have something wrong with productive system too...seeing as I'm fine, I should be a good store house for my baby!

Let’s just remember that my hubby has 19thousand. 0.1%. It’s hard not to focus on that. I’ve had a lot of friends say to me to trust God for the miracle, and I will get my miracle baby... I have no doubt that I will get a baby one way or another, but at the same time I am not going to sit around for 10yrs to hope that a natural miracle will occur. The fact of IVF working is a miracle in itself, so that is the miracle I will be hoping on, and hope God delivers on that.

You can’t be naive about IVF, you literally can’t afford to.

Let me break it down for you.

You have a 25% chance each IVF cycle that you will get pregnant, they say it usually happens at the third cycle or after if you are lucky.

This is how most people’s stories read:

Egg collection: $2500 Fresh embryo implanted. 1st cycle BFN (big fat negative)
Frozen embryo $1200 BFN 2nd cycle BFN
Frozen embryo $1200 BFP (big fat positive) chemical pregnancy miscarriage at 4 weeks.
Egg Collection: $2500 Fresh embryo BFN....

You get the picture.

So we do the first round of IVF, we can afford that. We can probably afford the next two frozen embryo transfers....but where do we draw the line. A lot of couples have personal loans for their IVF procedures, spending upwards of $25,000.

Hubby has been getting a little snappy with me, saying that I need to stop talking about it. Last night I sat him down and said that we NEED to talk about this, we need to work out a course of action. He finally got it, he finally understood, we had a great chat about our options and what we want to do.

Hubby to begin with was completely against adoption, but last night suggested that maybe we look at that option. Researched it today and it is such a tricky thing to do. SO many hoops to go through, with the end cost being about $20,000.

So then it brings me back to IVF again as the preferred choice.

I’ve got a pros and cons list going.

Pros - Baby is our own
- I get to carry my child and birth it.

Cons
- a month of invasive needles
- Crazy drugs that make your hormones go wack
- Weight gain of up to 15kg (AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE, NOT :/)
- Un-able to exercise whilst on you cycle
- Constant blood tests
- Constant semen analysis
- Constant hospital visits
- Costs $$$

And yet the pros still outweigh the cons.

TO ALL THE MOTHERS OUT THERE THAT CONCIEVE NATURALLY....YOU ARE BLESSED!!!! I don’t think some women fully appreciate how lucky they are to be able to get pregnant just by looking at their partner.


BUT.... there is always a but...

We went and visited our naturopath last week. She wants hubby and I to go on a meal plan she is setting up for us. Low carb, high protein lifestyle change. Not allowed to call it a diet! Lol
She is SO lovely to us and really wants the best for us which is re-assuring. She recommends that hubby get Intravenous Vitamin injections. They are jam packed with vitamin B, vitamin C and Glutathione. You get hooked up to a drip for an hour once a week for 8 weeks. Each visit is $300, so $2400 for the whole treatment plan. Apparently this is meant to have a radical improvement on sperm count.

Oh I should tell you a couple of things:
1) our naturopath says that low sperm count is because of life style and can be completely reversed...not sure if I completely agree with her, because why wouldn’t everyone do this then?
2) Hubby has very poor liver function at the moment, liver creates cholesterol, which creates hormones, which creates sperm. Bad liver means bad sperm (apparently)
3) The biggest problem that hubby and I have with this vitamin injections is that WE WANT PROOF! Show me the proof that his sperm count can go from 19thousand to 15 million.......You have to have 3ml of sperm when trying to conceive, each ml has to contain at least 15million sperm, a grand total of 45million. I am very sceptical that these injections can get the count up that high. Even if it got it up to 500thousand per ml, its just not enough, not worth the money. IVF is invasive, but I think better odds.

So this where we are at. Getting on a new life style to become healthier so that our sperm and eggs are the healthiest they can possibly be and deciding on what step to do next...hubby really doesn’t want me to do IVF... seem to be a dog chasing my tail at the moment...

Version 0.1

Well...

Got the results from the impending tests...Some really bad news. Hubby has VERY low sperm count. An average man is meant to have 15 million per ml, you are considered to have low sperm count if you have 5million per ml, well hubby has 19 thousand per ml. That is 0.1% of a normal person. 0.1 %.....I just cried writing that.

When the doctor told us, I was hysterical. He said to me "Don't get yourself to worked up, these things just happen" I could of punched him. I get that it happens and I don’t blame hubby at all for this. I AM JUST MAD!!!!!!!! It's not fair. 16 yr old girls in one night stands get pregnant, but couples who are yearning so desperately and would be the best parents seem to always have the problems.

I am a true believer in everything happens for a reason, but I hate this reason. WHAT IS THE REASON??????

My results on the other hand came back normal. I have normal hormone levels, ovaries are fine, everything is a-ok. All this time I thought it was me, I thought I wasn’t ovulating, I thought my uterus wasn’t at optimal temperature etc etc, so to hear that I was all good was a relief. Hubby was pretty sure that he were both fine before we got the results even saying to me "the results are going to come back all good, stop stressing". I knew there was something wrong, there had to be, it was just a matter of who. Hubby said to me in bed last night that he thought if anything were to be the problem it would be me, cos heaven forbid for a man to have anything wrong with him.

The doctor said we are going to have to do IVF. I cried even more when he said that. Remember me, the big baby when it comes to needles? Yeah lets jab me with a bazillion needles for 4 weeks to make me produce more eggs. WHY DOES THE WOMAN HAVE TO SUFFER??? I am perfectly healthy, why do I need the needles?????? why can’t the man be jabbed!!!! It's completely unfair!!


We are seeing our naturopath on Monday. I know she is going to put hubby on some crazy health and exercise regime and give him lots of herbal medicine, which is great, but I am worried he won’t do it. He hates that kind of stuff. Which makes me think that IVF is more or less the only option.

This morning I woke up calm about the idea of IVF, I know I am going to hate it, the needles, the crazy emotions, but I am strong, I can do this, I WANT THIS. I know hubby wants this to, but it’s a different kind of want. Yearning to be a mother and to grow your child inside of you is nothing a husband can really understand until he has his first child, I believe. The thing that actually scares me about IVF the most, is multiples. I DONT WANT TWINS OR TRIPLETS! How bad does that sound, I really want to be a mother, but I just don’t want multiples, I think it would be really stressful. I also don’t want multiples, because if I did, that would be IT. Hubby would say "We've got 2 now were done" and I want to be pregnant at least twice. I want to experience that baby stage a couple of times, not just once. I hope that doesn’t sound to terrible.

Argh, I am beginning to ramble now. I feel that today I have the right to eat whatever I want, so I am going to!

Please think of us in your prayers and thoughts in the coming weeks. Hubby is doing ok, but I think he feels bad, I keep assuring him I love him and that I am in no way mad at him. This is going to be a big journey for us and I won’t let it break us!

p.s did some research into how much IVF costs, doctor said we would be looking at 8-10 thousand, found out that Medicare gives you a rebate, so only is around 2.5 thousand. I can cope with that.

1st D-Day.

So two days later than scheduled I had my blood test. I admittedly was being a big baby! I cried hysterically in the chair whilst 3 nurses calmed me down. They used a baby needle so that it wasn't so painful, and it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be!

Hubby got his semen analysis! Which I was very happy with, have been waiting nearly a year for him to get the courage to do it!

We get the results on Wednesday, which can't come soon enough! Very anxious!!

Spent the afternoon today at a girlfriends house playing with her children and it just made it so clear how much I am wanting this!

Will let you know how I go with results on Thursday!

First but not my last.

Welcome to my blog.

I am 23 yrs old and was born and raised in Melbourne, Australia.

I have been married for 2.5yrs to my wonderful hubby.

We have been trying now for 16 months to get pregnant.

This is my journey of becoming pregnant.

My husband and I were high school sweet hearts. We met at a party in 2006, both 17yrs old, and have been together ever since.

We were married when we were 20yrs old on October 23^rd 2009 and have actively been trying to conceive since December 2010.

I am 23 and still not pregnant. 23 AND AFTER 16 MONTHS STILL NOT PREGNANT!!!!

It is driving me insane. All I have ever wanted to be is a mum I NEVER thought it would be this hard. Actually that’s a lie, I use have dreams all the time where I wasn’t able to conceive, but then I have dreams of me holding my baby... so who really knows.

Hubby and I have been seeing a naturopath for the last couple of weeks to do some natural fertility treatments. The last thing I want to do is stab myself with hormone injections. I CANT STAND NEEDLES!!!

On our first consultation she told me things like “ you need to drink more water, exercise more and eat breakfast”. Awesome, I know all that already lady! For the first 6 months of 2011 on was a great health and exercise regime, but still didn’t get pregnant, so her advice is all well and good but I want to know WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!! I don’t understand how women who are 300kg can get pregnant but I cant?! After telling her how its going to be, she quickly prompted me to get some blood tests done for a whole range of things. Oh goodie! I just loveeeee needles :/ But hey, I can do this, I can, I think...after all I am going to HAVE to push a baby out of my vagina one day.

Let me just say, this blog isn’t going to be all lovey dovey. This is me, in the toughest moment of my life. I am going to be honest and I will call my body parts by their real name, please stop reading if this will offend you.

So we’re off to the doctors on Saturday for the dreaded blood tests. Hubby keeps telling me “It’s only a needle” to which I want to punch him in the face!

Wish me luck!

P.S Let me just say, DO NOT even think about saying "It will happen all in good time", I will stab myself in the eye if I hear that from another person again!