Social media- not so social.

Last year I deactivated my Facebook. I was obsessed with it, commenting on everyone's post and trying equally hard to impress people with my clever status updates. I never really succeeded but also became way to sensitive about it all. I have enjoyed my time away from it but will probably come back on once I'm pregnant so I can upload weekly belly shots and annoy all my family and friends with baby talk. I'm a kind soul.

Social media, really isn't very social. I have stopped getting invited to things and it has become a bit awkward when people ask me in person "hey are you going to *insert awesome event* ?" Um no I wasn't invited. Awesome.

This has trickled down to messaging where friends take days to write back. Super annoying, when I'm sure they are updating there status' but just don't have "time" to write back to me. I'm on Instagram, but can't really post anything worthy of discussion as either people get massively offended or no one writes back anything...

It should be called anti media. There really is nothing social about it. I call Facebook, bragbook. It's a fake look into people's lives. They're either lying about how perfect everything is or being completely emo and complaining about every.single.thing FML!

Bit like this blog really. I know many people read it, but only 1 of my friends comments and another dear fellow blogger! Kinda hard to swallow when your happy to share super private details about your life with friends and strangers a like yet NO ONE comments. No one messages. But when I see people in real life it's the only thing they talk to me about like I have somehow become void of any other opinion on worldly things.

I guess what I'm trying to say is social media sucks. It alienates people from real life friendships. And because I don't like social media I have inturn alienated myself from friends and family who's only form of communication is on Facebook.

Sigh. What's a girl to do?

Keeping afloat.

Haven't written on here in a couple of weeks. I've been counting down the days until my next cycle. My period has been a bit sporadic over the last 6 months ranging from 24-30 days. The good thing about IVF is that the medication controls your ovulation. If you have super irregular, 10-20 day cycles then sometimes you can "surge" before your meant to. Lucky I don't have that problem.

I start my cycle next week and I'm so ready. Life has been super hectic around me these last couple of weeks and I've been working really hard on centring myself to not fall into a heap and cry! I know I say this a lot, but working full time for a large multi-corporate, running your own business, being a house wife, being a daughter, and trying to become a mum makes for a very weary body. I'm physically exhausted.

My favourite thing to do is sit down and watch some of my recorded program's. I'm obsessed with anything reality, especially birthing shows. One born every minute is my favourite, but it's season has ended so I am onto The Midwives. I enjoy these program's as it offers a great insight into childbirth. There are women from all walks of life experiencing birth in vastly different ways. I cry every single time a baby is born. My husband can't watch it with me, thinks it's yuck! I use to really struggle with this, as he would often joke that he would wait outside at the vending machine until the baby was born. I'd get mad and carry on at how mean that was, but throughout this whole process he has stuck by me. Coming to every appointment. He still is very disturb by the whole birthing process, so I've decided instead of stressing him out or me having to worry about it I am having my best friend as my birthing partner. Then, on the day if my husband finds that in fact he isn't so overwhelmed, he can join us but if he can't handle it he can wait outside and I know I'll be in good hands. Some friends have expressed that I'm letting him off the hook, but think about it- your partner is seeing you in horrible pain, they don't know what they can do to help and must find it very stressful. Then add blood and guts and poo and fluids- it's really not a pretty picture. So I get it!

I am so ready for this baby. I've read so many baby books, designed my nursery, have all my furniture. Bring on next week! I'm hoping for 20 follicles! Common ovaries, do me proud!!

P.S every time I cry watching those shows i pray soooo hard that one day I will be blessed with such a treasure. I'm crying again now! Gah! Imagine when I finally have my baby, think I am going to cry so many happy tears!!!

Here's the thing

IVF is not the end of the world. It is mostly frustration at yourself and the situation- not IVF. I'm growing very tired of people making comments such as "I would never need a fertility specialist" "I'd never want to do that to my body" "I'll never do IVF". What's worse is I use to be this person.

How annoying I must have sounded to all those around me going through it.

1 in 5 couples will need help with fertility. 30 years ago it was just shoved off as being baron and unable to conceive. When did society get so cocky to think they don't need help with this problem? Just like you would fix asthma with medication, why not fertility? I've had people come up to me and say they would never take fertility drugs because they have heard it can give them cancer. Seriously!! Who says that to someone? Especially when they know they are taking said drugs. Also, where are these facts??

The judgement I receive is quiet overwhelming. From people thinking I can no longer do anything so they don't invite me to things- to Christians telling me that if I can't have children naturally then I'm just not meant to be a mother!

It's a sad state of affairs when people get on their soap boxes and preach things to me that they have taken completely out of context.

But just when I think all hope is lost on human kind- I received the most amazing email. From a friend I haven't spoken to in a long time, giving me words of encouragement. Which also included a prophecy from a stranger which spoke so deep into my soul that it could have only been the heart of God. I will get through this time in my life, I will come away unscathed, I will become a mother and I will thank God for creating humans to be so clever that they could create the wonderful gift of IVF. Because we are all flawed, and we all need help, and this is what I need help with and there is no shame!

Disapointment

So I had my scan today and my doctor said that I have to wait until next month to start a new cycle. You see when follicles are created some of them contain eggs. When you ovulate the eggs are released but the follicles take a while to leave. Mine are still there from my last cycle.

I am so disappointed. I really wanted to start today. I'm so sick of hearing "it will happen when the time is right" or "you have plenty of time, you're so young". I've still been trying for 2.5 years so I don't really care how old I am or if the time is right. The waiting is taking a toll on me.

Add to this the fact I haven't had wine or coffee since the beginning of the year, nor am I eating sugar, dairy or wheat= a very grumpy lady! I need a large glass of wine and a box of chocolates stat!

I've shed a tear this morning and I am moving on (not really anything else I can do) but I am angry at my body! For being a perfect "baby maker" it sure isn't working perfectly!

Oh and the irony of it all, when I start next month and if the embryo takes I would be due in December! Can't help but laugh! After all that time of trying to conceive at the right time so that I wouldn't have a December baby, it seems to be exactly what is happening! God is a funny man!

Here we go again

Day 1 of my cycle started yesterday. I wasn’t expecting it until Sunday, but my Doctor said he knew it would come then. Silly of me to question the expert, hey? So tomorrow is Day 3, which means the beginning of injections again. I have to have an internal ultrasound before I pick up my medication to make sure that my ovaries have healed up enough. Have to say I am not looking forward to that. Day 3 and an ultrasound- sounds like something from a horror movie. I'm pretty confident that they will have healed up, my body has felt pretty normal.

The medication you start your cycle on is really the indication of how many follicles you will get. The medication can be upped during the course of the process to boost the smaller ones along, but it’s the first medication which makes them. So I started last cycle on 112.5ui, this cycle will be on 175ui. He is a little nervous that I'll be unwell, but I've told him I am comfortable going through with it as I want to get as many follicles as possible this round as I don’t want to have to cancel again.

I’m hoping for 18 follicles, hubby says 15. Then they will be collected and hopefully have 6-8 fantastic embryos. If the embryo takes I will be due in November!

It's funny, when we first started trying for a baby I was very calculated. Didn’t want to get pregnant in March, because I didn’t want a December baby. I love to celebrate birthdays, and Christmas and Easter and anniversaries TO THE MAX and hate the thought of celebrating a birthday so close to Christmas. So I am really hoping this one takes and that I get a November baby- hopefully not born on hubbys birthday, cos I am not fond of joint birthdays either hahahah. Fussy I know!

I'll let you know how I go tomorrow!

xx

Whole30

It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday February, the last month of summer. Can I hear a hell yeah?? *crickets* .... nope? Just this albino who hates the ghastly heat?!

Anywho, I am all physced up for my second cycle which with start next week. I've got this needle jabbing thing down pat. I am a little nervous as to how my body will react to the medication this time around. It will be stronger and hopefully my body will make a lot of follicles...which I am sure I will feel growing again. The back pain was out of this world last month, but only lasted 2 days, so hoping for the same!

This month I am doing Whole30. It's part of Paleo diet- except really strict. No dairy, no sugar, no gluten.
Also can’t have any legumes (lentils, beans, seeds or peanuts). I am surprising loving it. I am massively addicted to sugar and I really wanted to kick that addiction. Day 4, and I haven’t had any headaches or withdrawals. I am eating a lot of berries which I think makes up for it, but in a healthy way ;) I also wanted to be super healthy for this coming cycle, wanted to produce the healthiest eggs I can!

Will let you know how I am going next week!

Baby dust to me!

No deal

Had my last ultrasound this morning  and have decided to cancel the cycle.

We will start again next month, with a higher dose of medication to begin with and hope to get 16 follicles.

After giving myself a talking to I have refocused and got my emotions in check. No point crying over something that wasn’t meant to be, I need to assess the situation from a medical point of view and this is what makes the most sense.

I will do a trigger injection tonight to release the follicles that are currently growing. My doctor said have sex tonight and tomorrow because we have a 1 in  a million chance of conceiving naturally so may as well give it a shot! Hubby thought sex two days in a row sounded like a great idea! ;)