Here's the thing

IVF is not the end of the world. It is mostly frustration at yourself and the situation- not IVF. I'm growing very tired of people making comments such as "I would never need a fertility specialist" "I'd never want to do that to my body" "I'll never do IVF". What's worse is I use to be this person.

How annoying I must have sounded to all those around me going through it.

1 in 5 couples will need help with fertility. 30 years ago it was just shoved off as being baron and unable to conceive. When did society get so cocky to think they don't need help with this problem? Just like you would fix asthma with medication, why not fertility? I've had people come up to me and say they would never take fertility drugs because they have heard it can give them cancer. Seriously!! Who says that to someone? Especially when they know they are taking said drugs. Also, where are these facts??

The judgement I receive is quiet overwhelming. From people thinking I can no longer do anything so they don't invite me to things- to Christians telling me that if I can't have children naturally then I'm just not meant to be a mother!

It's a sad state of affairs when people get on their soap boxes and preach things to me that they have taken completely out of context.

But just when I think all hope is lost on human kind- I received the most amazing email. From a friend I haven't spoken to in a long time, giving me words of encouragement. Which also included a prophecy from a stranger which spoke so deep into my soul that it could have only been the heart of God. I will get through this time in my life, I will come away unscathed, I will become a mother and I will thank God for creating humans to be so clever that they could create the wonderful gift of IVF. Because we are all flawed, and we all need help, and this is what I need help with and there is no shame!

Disapointment

So I had my scan today and my doctor said that I have to wait until next month to start a new cycle. You see when follicles are created some of them contain eggs. When you ovulate the eggs are released but the follicles take a while to leave. Mine are still there from my last cycle.

I am so disappointed. I really wanted to start today. I'm so sick of hearing "it will happen when the time is right" or "you have plenty of time, you're so young". I've still been trying for 2.5 years so I don't really care how old I am or if the time is right. The waiting is taking a toll on me.

Add to this the fact I haven't had wine or coffee since the beginning of the year, nor am I eating sugar, dairy or wheat= a very grumpy lady! I need a large glass of wine and a box of chocolates stat!

I've shed a tear this morning and I am moving on (not really anything else I can do) but I am angry at my body! For being a perfect "baby maker" it sure isn't working perfectly!

Oh and the irony of it all, when I start next month and if the embryo takes I would be due in December! Can't help but laugh! After all that time of trying to conceive at the right time so that I wouldn't have a December baby, it seems to be exactly what is happening! God is a funny man!

Here we go again

Day 1 of my cycle started yesterday. I wasn’t expecting it until Sunday, but my Doctor said he knew it would come then. Silly of me to question the expert, hey? So tomorrow is Day 3, which means the beginning of injections again. I have to have an internal ultrasound before I pick up my medication to make sure that my ovaries have healed up enough. Have to say I am not looking forward to that. Day 3 and an ultrasound- sounds like something from a horror movie. I'm pretty confident that they will have healed up, my body has felt pretty normal.

The medication you start your cycle on is really the indication of how many follicles you will get. The medication can be upped during the course of the process to boost the smaller ones along, but it’s the first medication which makes them. So I started last cycle on 112.5ui, this cycle will be on 175ui. He is a little nervous that I'll be unwell, but I've told him I am comfortable going through with it as I want to get as many follicles as possible this round as I don’t want to have to cancel again.

I’m hoping for 18 follicles, hubby says 15. Then they will be collected and hopefully have 6-8 fantastic embryos. If the embryo takes I will be due in November!

It's funny, when we first started trying for a baby I was very calculated. Didn’t want to get pregnant in March, because I didn’t want a December baby. I love to celebrate birthdays, and Christmas and Easter and anniversaries TO THE MAX and hate the thought of celebrating a birthday so close to Christmas. So I am really hoping this one takes and that I get a November baby- hopefully not born on hubbys birthday, cos I am not fond of joint birthdays either hahahah. Fussy I know!

I'll let you know how I go tomorrow!

xx

Whole30

It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday February, the last month of summer. Can I hear a hell yeah?? *crickets* .... nope? Just this albino who hates the ghastly heat?!

Anywho, I am all physced up for my second cycle which with start next week. I've got this needle jabbing thing down pat. I am a little nervous as to how my body will react to the medication this time around. It will be stronger and hopefully my body will make a lot of follicles...which I am sure I will feel growing again. The back pain was out of this world last month, but only lasted 2 days, so hoping for the same!

This month I am doing Whole30. It's part of Paleo diet- except really strict. No dairy, no sugar, no gluten.
Also can’t have any legumes (lentils, beans, seeds or peanuts). I am surprising loving it. I am massively addicted to sugar and I really wanted to kick that addiction. Day 4, and I haven’t had any headaches or withdrawals. I am eating a lot of berries which I think makes up for it, but in a healthy way ;) I also wanted to be super healthy for this coming cycle, wanted to produce the healthiest eggs I can!

Will let you know how I am going next week!

Baby dust to me!

No deal

Had my last ultrasound this morning  and have decided to cancel the cycle.

We will start again next month, with a higher dose of medication to begin with and hope to get 16 follicles.

After giving myself a talking to I have refocused and got my emotions in check. No point crying over something that wasn’t meant to be, I need to assess the situation from a medical point of view and this is what makes the most sense.

I will do a trigger injection tonight to release the follicles that are currently growing. My doctor said have sex tonight and tomorrow because we have a 1 in  a million chance of conceiving naturally so may as well give it a shot! Hubby thought sex two days in a row sounded like a great idea! ;)

Decisions

Had my ultrasound today. I have 3 follicles that are a good size, couple of medium ones that will catch up and some small ones. My doctor reckons that by Friday there should be around 6 good size ones.

For my age and health, this is low and the question of cancelling the cycle is one that hangs over my head. My parents, are generously paying for our IVF treatment. They know how much we both want children and wanted to help us out. It means that I have to keep them in mind, after all it is their money I am spending. But they are wonderful and said that the decision is up to me and will help me out no matter how many cycle’s it takes.

I never thought I would have had to cancel, so this is quite upsetting to me. 6 follicles is still 6 possible eggs. Only need one of them to have a baby. Is it selfish of me to do this cycle and end up having no embryos left to freeze? Because that is probably the likely hood. But then I could still get a baby. It just means I would have to do IVF again for more children.

Here are my scenarios:

Wait until my ultrasound on Friday- 6 eggs or less- cancel cycle

Wait until my ultrasound on Friday- 7 eggs or more- continue with cycle

Wait until my ultrasound on Friday- 6 eggs or less- continue with cycle because there is still 6 eggs.

My husband, parents, and doctor all say the decision is up to me. Which leaves this high on hormonal medication very teary!! It’s a really hard decision.

The rollercoaster

Went and had my ultrasound today to see how many follicles (eggs) I had and how many were up to scratch. Well my doctor didn’t really say how many in total, I could see around 10, but only 1 of them is ready! BOO. I’m not reacting to the dose of medication like he had hoped, so he has up it today by 50% to push things along.

He was disappointed, he thought that I would have had a lot more. Sorry dude, but can you shut up now and stop making me feel like crap? Cool! I guess this is what they call the rollercoaster of IVF.

Anyway, I’m not down and out just yet.  I will have another ultrasound on Wednesday and hopefully more of them have developed to the correct stage.

Will keep you all posted :)

P.S I’ve reached 1100 views on my blog today! It’s really taken off in the last month. Hello to all my international readers, welcome to my crazy world!